No Pain No Nescafe!

I’m lying on the floor in the  middle of the our living room. The TV screen is vibrantly alive showing a woman in a similar position. Her voice is of an octave pitch.

“And squeeze and squeeze….” 

There is a momentary pause. “And squeeeeeezzze!”

My thoughts are if I squeezed any harder the coil in the instrument between my thighs would recoil violently and spending the rest of my evening in the Accident&Emergency Unit with a dislocated vagina was far from appealing!

The idea was to strengthen the inner thighs making them toned. It was not suppose to be a painful ordeal. Which part of  ” no pain no gain” was I not understanding?

“Now onto our next exercise…    working those gluteus maximus”

She is too good looking for my liking.  She looked like the typical french woman who was slim but thinks she is fat. While I was the typical British woman who was slightly plump but is convinced that I’m slim.

I follow obediently. I raise  my pelvis and squeeze my bottom as hard as I can as instructed.

12  more..  11… 10…  My right hand reaches down and touches the right bum cheek. I have to confess I like the feel of firmess. It motivates me to keep going before  my derriere flops back onto the floow in an excruciating heap. My bum cheeks feels like they are on fire.   Which part of “no pain no gain” was I not understanding?

It is a Friday evening and I had the entire flat to myself. Stanley had gone out for his usual religious drinks with the boys. After a hectic week the last thing I wanted was to be in company.

I was looking forward to a night-in on my own. And use the exercise DVD bought from last Christmas followed by a nice soak in the bath and read my book – “Secret Habits of Successful Bastards: the self-help book for people who are too nice”.

It was recommended by one of my fellow City Diners Coffee Club members. Fred. Ah yes Fred! My mind drifts to gorgeous Fred. He is not quite the Anthony Head but beggars can’t be choosers!

The door bells rings. I lie there reluctant to move. I was not expecting anyone and I was finishing off my workout with meditation. Empty your mind….. I picture myself walking down the Catwalk and everyone is cheering  me. Miss Derriere 2009!  Concentrate!   Empty your mind.

The door bell rings again beckoning for attention.

“Oh blast!” I retorted. A trifle annoyed I grab my oversized tee-shirt and it slithers over my body effortlessly. Compliments of Henry. In fact,  most of my tee-shirts were from “borrowed and not returned” Ex’s.

I open the door. “Hello?”

“Oh sorry to bother you but I’m having a dinner party and I seem to have run of coffee.”

It was our neighbour from the flat below. He had  moved in about a month ago.

Wasn’t this the part that he (I) invites her (him) in?

It’s been some time since I’ve seen the Nescafe Gold Blend advert. There was something very wrong about this one. I’m sure I remembered he was tall, smooth and sexy looking. But here stood a short, bald, fat man bearing a smile like a hyena.

I blurt out “No, sorry I dont’ drink coffee!” and quickly close the door.

I stand for a minute, not quite sure what to make of the obtrusion. I shake my head as I walk towards the DVD player. I take out the DVD and place it into it’s case.

It was a good workout. And I was pleased with myself.

The door bell rings again! This time I am more than a trifle annoyed.

Which part of  “no” did he not understand!

I swing open the door expecting to see my neighbour again, instead.

“Boris!” I exclaim.

“You fancy a coffee?” in his usual seductive deep voice. He moves swiftly and the next thing I know I feel his hands on my hips. I gasp with surprise and before I could even object his warm lips envelope mine. His leg eases the door closed behind him. I give a muffled “No”.

Was this the part when a woman says “No” when she really means “Yes”!?

Beauty is just a perception

I roll over and inch my way deeper into the crevices of my quilt. The smooth silky cover touching the warmth of my skin. It’s Saturday morning, 8am, and not even an earthquake of any Richter scale was going to propel me out of my new bed!

It has been two weeks since my fiasco with the delivery of the new bed. The result was they had to return the King bed and I had to re-order a Queen size instead, because it was simply too big to get through our narrow hallway. The delivery men were not too impressed,of course, after the amount of perspiration they had to go through trying to get it in and then being instructed to take it away.

I wasn’t too impressed either from the damage done to my bank balance. Especially when I had my eye on a lovely slicky number in Ann Summers. They had a special offer for the King at the time. My objections to the Shop Manager that I had to pay £100 more for a size that was much smaller was snuffed. I did think of threatening him with my friend is an assassin by profession but thought wiser of it.

“Your June article is good!” Stanley walks in. He places a cup of black coffee beside my bed. He does that every morning without fail!

“Have you ever thought of writing abook ,Sandra babes, about all the mischief you get up to in the evenings!” he continues to ramble on. “I’m sure it will be a best seller!”

There is a muffled noise coming from under the quilt. My left hand makes an appearance stretches to the ceiling and waves bye bye. Stanley walks out and goes into his usual morning routine of playing Tom Jones CD and showering.

“You’re my sex bomb…sex bomb… you’re my seeeeex bomb…”

My darling Stanley, how we met will frature you, a story for another day!”

For now all you need to know is we have a symbiosis existence. On occasions we share the same bed. I’ll let you use your imagination!

I tell myself another 5 minutes and I’ll get up…. the voice of Tom Jones drifts into oblivion.

“COSMOTIMES” – June Issue

“Beauty is just a perception” by Sandra Fox

Every summer, most of us focus our efforts on trying to lose pounds so that we can fit and look good in that bikini.

This summer why not ditch the scales and pursue mental leanness as oppose to physical perfection.

In this day and age, there is far too much emphasizing on body image.
It’s time for an entirely new approach to body image through mental wellness.

Getting your Mind into shape and everything else will follow! ……….

My coffee love affair continues…

If you come across a Starbuck in Green Park, London, there is a high chance you will see me there.

Cradling mug with both hands, sipping and watching the world go by.

It is my favourite pastime since breaking up with Henry.

He was a nice man, but he was a tea lover. Need I say anymore?

Today I have an important presentation at 9am.  Although I dislike the new boss (another tea lover) I need to make a good impression with our pay rise review in a couple of weeks’ time.

“Good Morning! the usual?”

“Yes, large, black, please”

It’s how I like it first thing in the morning. It is even more so this morning. I have not slept well for three nights in a row.

It is 8.10am, enough time for a sit down, enjoy my brew and a last minute preparation for my  presentation.

8.20am …  sip.. 8.35am…. sip

I check my watch. He is normally here by now.

Maybe he decided to change Cafe? Perhaps they serve better coffee down the road?

He’s dark, tall and he’s a coffee lover too! I can spot a Coffee lover.

People who like drinking coffee are people that live for the moment. And those who like their coffee black are feisty in character. They like a challenge and downright honest!

Usually he comes in around 8.20am. I’m there already seated. With his business pin-striped suit and leather suitcase, well-shaven and chiselled features, he orders his black coffee and usually sits down for 10 minutes to read his paper.

Oh God! I can’t beliebe I am getting upset over a stranger. I should be concentrating on my notes but instead my thoughts are on him.

Where IS he?

The door swings open and he enters. I am already captivated.

In truth, I have been eying this guy up for 3 months solid. Today is my lucky day he chooses a table near me. I refrain from looking. I must not stare. I keep  my head down and twirl a few strands of my hair with my finger. I wonder whether he has noticed me.

He sips.   I sip.  We are in synchrony. I feel slightly aroused from the aroma of the coffee and the aroma of his aftershave.

I tell myself that I will pluck up the courage to say hello to him tomorrow.

Oh Damn! 8.45am. It is time to make a move.

As I leave the Cafe I turn and take one more look at him….  yes …. tomorrow….definitely… tomorrow….

 

Courtesy and Copyright of City Diners Coffee Club  www.citydiners.co.uk/coffee.html 

Bringing Coffee Lovers together from around the globe.

Hit me baby one more time!

“Hit me baby one more time…” I sing quietly under my breath and sway my head in rhythm.

“Oh baby baby … baby hey hey yeah oh baby baby”

The man next to me creases his forehead in disapproval.

We come to halt at Green Park tube station.

I give him a smile and a wink as I quickly just off onto the platform.

He looked like the type of guy who would wear the same underwear for more than a day and a coffee drinker … perhaps?

 

Today’s journey is no different from any other mornings.

After 3 years I’ve gotten immune from the stress of travelling on the London Underground

London tubes are packed with pencil pushers in the rush hour. Packed like sardines inside, it is hell between stops as you find your face buried under armpits (at my height!), some that have not been washed for days!

It is a 10 minute walk for me to the office and is never without a detour to Starbucks for my first dose of caffeine of the day.

 I don’t eat breakfast like they say you should. Who wants to live a boring existence … right?

Eat a healthy breakfast and exercise daily. Are you kidding me?  Where would be the fun in that!

It’s ironic to say that I am a writer for the “CosmoTimes”, a magazine aimed at the young, concerned with health and beauty with a high disposable income.

It is deadline day today but I have no reason to panic as the past month or so of insomnia and drinking coffee were time well spent in completing my next article for the June edition.

 As I enter the office I head straight for the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

 ”Hey who’s nicked my Chippendale cup?” 

“Have you finished your write-up yet?” Tom enquires. Bearing a big grin that nearly cuts his face in half. He obviously was gloating over the fact that he finished his.

 I asked myself, how did that answer my question? 

“Sure thing!” I answer back.  “You’ve seen my cup?  Ah here it is…”

 ”I’ve started drinking Chai Tea, it’s very good for you apparently…”

I ignore him while he talks in the background and I make my black coffee.

 ”Sounds nice Tom… gotta scoot!” 

Chai Tea!  Yuk! 

Tom is a darling who was willing to do any favours that I’ve asked of him in the past.

But I never really had the time and patience for him.

He was the type of person who wouldn’t hurt a fly, who will wear pyjamas to bed and remember to clean behind his ears every night and he loves tea!

 I settle behind my computer. Sip. I have 22 unread emails. I take at look at the time 9:10am. Groan. Sip. My thoughts drifts to the evening.

Thursday evenings were always a busy time for me.

At 6pm I had the Coffee Club Meet-up followed by my part-time evening job at

“The Directors Only” Club.

 There are only a handful of people who know about my night job, Stanley and the girls at the Club.

I am a pole dancer three evenings a week.

5′4 tall, 5′7 with heels on a good day.  Curvy voluptuous upper asset (100% gelatin free I hasten to add), I have my mother to thank for that.

And to keep my identity anonymous at the Club, I have long blonde hair (dyed)  and blue eyes (isn’t coloured contact lens great!) I had every reason to feel confident.

 But sometimes my confidence would wither by the end of the day.

 That’s where the Coffee Club helped. The Coffee Club Meet-ups gave me a sense of empowerment afterwards and it boosted my confidence level before going onto the night job.

 2:10pm. I’m into my fifth cup of coffee. My mobile rings, I answer. It is my flatmate, Stanley.

 ”Sandra baby, your new bed has arrived…..but they’re having trouble getting it pass the hallway into your bedroom… it’s too big!”

 I can hear the music blaring out in the background… “Hit me baby one more time”

The Meet-ups

This is my fifth time.  We all sit round with coffee mugs cradled in our hands. If you saw us you may think we were all trying to warm our hands on a cold winter’s day. It would be far from the truth.  It was a lovely summer’s day and we are all sat outside, basking in the sun.

“And how are you today?”.  The fat lady enquires.

15 seconds later I realise that she is addressing me. I grasp my mug even tighter, a reflex reaction.

I hate being put on the spot.

My mouth opens slightly. I’m feeling  Shss…..t!

I take another 10 seconds to re-phrase the answer in my head before I open  my mouth again

“Erm… not too bad… not been sleeping too well the last 4 days ….

       but apart from that am not too bad……”

I take a sip of  my coffee.

I love these meet-ups. For years I have felt very lonely.  I felt no-one really understood me. I felt an outcast with my family. That was until I discovered the Coffee Club.   It was a liberating feeling knowing there were others like me. Other coffee lovers.

The fat lady talks again. I take another sip.

As her attention diverts to another member of the Club I find I start drifting into my own world. Concentrate!  I must concentrate! 

Concentration was one of my major problems. And I was forever reminded of my lack of it by my boss. God I detest him. He’s a tea lover and I would love to pour his tea over his head one day!

“That’s great! Petra, you have started writing your new book”  I think it was Fred who spoke.

He is so gorgeous! I give him a flirtatious blink but it looks like he did not notice.

Another reason I attend these meetups is the hope of meeting my soul coffee mate. Of course not!  I’m not that shallow! 

Concentrate! I take another sip.

After attending four previous meetups I have learnt that there was an underlying theme with the City Diners Coffee Club – Self Development.

For the last two years  I felt stuck in a rut being in a job I loved but working with autistic adults ( not in the literal sense!) was making my life hard work!  I knew I had to get out of my situation before losing my sanity. But I have been procrastinating ever since my bed broke.  It’s no wonder I don’t sleep well I tell myself. My bed is lopsided.  I will spare you the details how it arrived at such a state. 

Sip.

“I know… I know.. I’ve been meaning to write this book for ages!  I’m so proud of myself now that I have started the ball rolling”  Petra’s face is of glee and ecstatic.

“Well done Petra”   I join in with the praises.

Deep down I was jealous. I wish I had the talent to write a book too.

You can do anything you want, if you put your mind and heart to it!  That is what the fat lady keeps telling us. 

Before I know it the hour and half is up. Members  starts to leave and I need another cup of coffee.

“See you next week!”

“Yes, yes see you next week”

I feel lifted in spirits.  Together as a group we have empowered each other.

I tell myself this time next week I will have a new bed and an updated CV.

I give Fred a wink as I depart.

 

Courtesy of City Diners Coffee Club:   www.citydiners.co.uk/coffee.html

Bringing Coffee Lovers together from all around the globe.